envy/jealousy (what's the difference, anyway?) should have no place in this world, nor in my mind. right now i just want efface myself, curl up on a sofa in front of a crackling fireplace, with the warmth of hot cocoa in my palms, and look out to a dark, solitary snowing night. i'd love the sound of melancholy, of some silent tears, worthy of nothing but self reproach. i should sleep, really. i owe no one any explanation, including myself.

just went for the Penn cocktail reception at marriott and now my whole being is overwhelmed with evil temptation again. all the "getting branded for life", "there's so much flexibility", "why would there be discrimination against internationals in med school entry?! you have a good chance!", "you'll be so happy to be there", and this outrageous one "you'll have no problem getting married there!" (wtf?) is launching an ACUTE VIRAL INFECTION into the depths of my poor wobbly brain. i need some roots. in GOOD SOLID SOIL. i cannot keep up with this hydroponic lifestyle! 


(btw this is really really funny: i was talking to a penn alumnus and he was expectedly painting a very luscious picture of everything there, wharton and all, when we suddenly arrived at the subject of harvard. 

"oh harvard, i don't mean to discount the school in any ways, but that place's for another class of people. look, while i'm able to have a conversation with you here, my brother (who is pursuing an engineering degree at harvard as i later found out) would be standing by the water dispenser there, and twiddling with his thumbs. i kid you not." 

golly cool.)


good thing that i have replied to ucas and have medicine firmly emblazoned in my life's blueprint. i will go for my hepatitis injections and ponder upon the accomodation and postpone my us trip and boycott us goods and yes, do everything possible to avoid painful straying.  

i think peanut butter is my new favorite/favourite. if you know me you'll understand the dilemma that runs through my mind right now. 

for me, it's not so much of the uk or us conundrum, but rather medicine or no cure. yesterday i was made to rethink why i chose to do medicine in the first place. it was a choice that i hardly ever questioned, a choice i find so firm, sound, and noble, a choice i'm genuinely proud of and eager to materialize. i picture myself a young handsome doctor, stethoscope around my neck, walking down the wards in that brisk, confident manner of someone with a direction in life, a purpose to fulfill. this was enough satisfaction for me to give up all possibilities and glamor of scholarships, and plunge myself into a most competitive fight to gain entry to a reputable medicine school. and i was fortunate enough to be given the chance. i may have been overwrought at that time but it was with tears of joy that i received the hard-earned opportunity: i have the canvass ready, i will paint the picture. looking back now, this series of events fueled my desire to do medicine into something that's inexplicable. when asked to justify, i can only think of how hard it was for me, with my ability and my circumstances (i am no genius i know), to have procured the chance and how murderously silly it is to not take it up to my bosom lovingly. 

but i was tempted. like a genuine woman i was sorely tempted. by what? by name, by fame? if it had been medicine at cambridge will such temptation still be born, and grow like it does now? i have never thought that i might one day make it to some ivy. now that i have, the stupid plant is rapidly wrapping up the wall that i was fully prepared to climb. but to think that the alternate choice would be to undertake an even more treacherous detour to where i am already at now is far too risky, and my threshold for adventures does not think fondly of the plan. i'm really not into violent changes such as this. i do wish that the deadline for reply is sooner so i would have to make a comparatively painless decision based on stubborn intuition rather than the very miserable weighing of possibilites and pros and cons (a process that my parents not only find required, but also notably pleasurable). 

deep down i know that everything will work out fine whichever way i go. why should scenery matter?