avante_garde

i think i'm moving. for no particular reason, perhaps just to orchestrate a new beginning, which's always attractive.

imaginedream.wordpress.com

see you there.

can't believe it, the 7 week summer school programme at Harvard's coming to an end! it was gogogogo: trips, classes, and tests every week? yes please, i like my summer the alpha busy type. i don't think this experience can be summed up in a few words, cause frankly, it wasn't that much of a life-changing one (what was I expecting, anyway?), though sufficiently memorable for more than one reason. It is an amazing university in so many ways, and will remain as my dream that is partially fulfilled in this 7 weeks. after spending time here, i realised that my love for this place isn't completely irrational and mirroring that of the sheeples who relentlessly consult university rankings and flock to the yard to pose in front of the statue of john harvard (or worse, initiate a whole family to romp through the campus like it is some top class sight-seeing attraction - only if we get half of the sheeple/cash flow at UCL?!); rather, i truly love the culture, the brilliance of every single person in this community, walking through the yard and passing by at least 5 people that make me do a double take, the streets, the buzz, the old chinese man who saws at his er-hu every day outside CVS, or the hobos spending a night outside the bookstore on their fashionable bed spreads of newspapers.

( speaking of CVS )

just a reminder of the things that i need to get done after getting back to london for a short detour before heading back to the beloved singapura.

- change my double bed to a single, hopefully. might need to recruit some man/woman power on this one.
- create the photo scrapbook for papa's 50th birthday that is long overdue, but not yet forgotten. i'll deliver my promise!!!
- lots of psych experiments, or any other money making mechanisms that may help to offset my extraordinary spendings over the last 2 months.
- return the 2 ucl lib books that i've been renewing like a manic while overseas.
- figure out the lameass accounting and maths modules that i have to complete before term starts at imperial.
- brush up cooking skills! (inspired by Rachel Ray and Giada lol.) gotta show papa mama that i have the rudimentary semblance of a domestic goddess.
- think of ways to fund raise for the half marathon in october that i'm running for BrainTrust - garage sale? incessant pestering of potential targets?
- just sit back, and enjoy the london summer.

damn, i just miss you so much.



tres adorable.

i learnt over the past 2 weeks that expectation can be a dangerous thing. it's better to expect less, and be pleasantly surprised, than to set yourself up for disappointment. for the perfectionist in me this will be a tough transition, but a necessary one.

in other news, i think my american dream's not that sugar-coated anymore. it is a respectable nation still, but in no way the perfect one i have envisioned for a long time.



revisited this delightful little pixar film today. loving such simple pleasures of life; it is in a way better than the independence day fireworks earlier on, a passable display that perhaps, does not deserve the 5 hr wait.

ever since settling in harvard, snugly connected to the university's web server, i've been gleefully feeding my guilty pleasure of online shopping. several times a day i visit websites like urban outfitters and forever 21, pathologically checking and rechecking if there's any steals. i can almost remember most of the items on their catalogue now - even the sizes, the colours - subconsciously.

of course i recognise the danger of this obsession, and i become particularly panicky when it becomes painfully apparent that i've lost most if not all motivation to study, to excel. i cower at the thought of USMLE, acknowledging that its level of difficulty might be beyond my reach, and i may not have the time to tackle step 1 next year. (indeed, i may have to take the entire exam after my clinicals, even then it may not be feasible for me to recall those arcane scientific details - what then? work in london? head back to sg? oh woe, oh my dreams hurt so much.) i skim through a few chapters of my finance textbook, understanding almost nothing, remembering none of those acronyms and equations, feel jaded and helpless, and close the book. i read the front page of the wall street journal which i dutifully subscribed to on the very first day here - still fresh with determination to face the massive unfamiliar world of economics - only to put the newspaper down after 5 mins, as though just tasted sour milk.

heh. heh.

so instead of treasuring my costly opportunity here, and gain as much knowledge as possible, i succumb to the inner shopaholic. the surge of evilness that is (arguably) present in all female species, frivolous and unproductive. i think women have become the weaker gender in today's societies precisely because of such distractions, in addition to the inescapable biological trap of childbirth. in any case tomorrow we'll be visiting wrentham outlet malls, where i have been instructed by dear mama to sweep as much stuff as possible, including 4 coach bags for her. i could burst out laughing just thinking about mama, waving her arms with ill-contained excitement the last time we visited an outlet mall in NYC together, ending the epic shopping journey with the purchase of 2 samsonites to transport the loot back home. perhaps my day will end in a similar fashion, i'll have to see.

one thing i must do after tmr is to tame this shopaholic in me, and declare 'enough is enough'. priorities must be rearranged in a rational fashion. rationality above all.

on the bus: an aged lady stares at me, a little too hard. "is that short enough?" she suddenly asks, eyeing my dress. a moment of silence - i am stunned. i feel a bit naked, scrutinised, and morally evaluated. "huh?"

"i said, is that short enough?" she repeats, pointedly.

feigning of confusion fails.

"er...i guess that is pretty short. short enough."

"oh and you have that thing under there." she continues to systematically dissect my (disastrous?) outfit of the day.

i look down. yeah, there is the pair of (short) shorts i've put on pre-emptively to rescue some of my modesty. "yeah, i've got shorts under there." i mumble, wishing more than anything to be somewhere else. the bus driver turns around and suppresses a chuckle. other passengers appear unperturbed, but i can sense the little sniggers going on behind the unmoving faces.

"hmm. that's nice. you have got nice legs." she finishes, a satisfied cat.

i smile weakly. "thanks."

she turns to look out of the windows. i spy her wearing socks with sandals. and stop myself before i say, "nice socks."

travelling alone is a sobering experience. your senses and observations are inadvertently sharpened; the game of people-watching reaches a new height of intensity. you wonder, and take pleasurable guesses at what each of these faces looking past you represent. their expressions, their actions, the little items that they produce from their bags, the pages of newspaper that they choose to scan. i have always been amazed at how 'egocentric' my world can become. not that much to do with selfishness, but rather, a sense of self-absorption which envelops itself around my being, and hinders with the appreciation of the bigger picture, of the boundless diversity that exists beyond my limited vision.

there's a beautifully rich world out there, it's true.

sometimes my pride in being a hardcore empiricist and pragmatist dissolves just a little, when confronted with such complexity. it saddens me just a little, to think of a fleeting, abstract sort of beauty that would almost always, escape my grasp.

simply to understand. this has been a difficult concept for me: understanding alone never satisfy, unless it's accompanied by utility. Is it sufficient to set out to fill gaps of knowledge, with no intention of using it? perhaps i need to learn to appreciate the world of purist academia better (indeed i always thought them as having nothing better to do, than publishing papers detailing the trivialest findings) maybe things don't have to be so goal-oriented. there's possibly another realm of meaning in simply knowing, and be content with it. 

rambling. in any case, i've arrived at boston, ready to start 7 weeks of less goal-oriented life, in order to score more goals in life.




oh and i might just be over-shopping a little at forever 21: 10-20 pounds gorgeous dresses? yes pls.

i was at the checkout paying for some groceries earlier, when i heard a thud and a crack. turning around, a young man in waitrose uniform stood hovering over what was once a bottle of wine on display, but now a pool of red with a smattering of broken glass chunks. dismay was written all over his face, as he stared at the mess on the floor, frozen, hands slightly stretched out, as if willing for time to turn back and the mistake to be undone. 

all around him, people turned to look. i held my breath: i could almost feel his shock, embarrassment, and helplessness. i tried to suppress my reflex urge to rush to his aid, to mop up that misfortune, to say a few words of comfort. i don't know why, but i didn't go forward to help. (i say this with a tinge of regret, some form of self disapproval at my lack of compassion, but i do not wholly beat myself up for this inaction) almost 30 seconds later, one of his colleagues walked up to him to offer a roll of tissue. i half expected him to stay and help with the cleaning up, but he simply turned and walked away, somewhat apologetic. was he wary of the embarrassment of being mistaken as the one who made the mistake? or does waitrose have some form of protocol that calls for the rectification of one's own mistake without assistance? highly unlikely. at this point, the young man had regained some composure and had started to wipe up the spilled wine. but, he looked so alone, among the bustling shoppers and unhelpful onlookers (including me) in the supermarket.

it must have been tough. as the cashier scanned my items and i watched him from afar, it suddenly dawned on me how real this world is, and how undefended we are in it. so often we have to shoulder unpleasant things on our own: to clean up after ourselves - bravely, calmly - is perhaps how we can grow and survive with strength and independence.

and hence i (grudgingly) applaud myself for being an ice queen today. of course i'm in no position to pretend to be this nurturing educator who moulds an individual with adversity. i suppose i need to apply this lesson to myself: know my mistakes, don't expect help, and stand tall. never stoop or shudder, even in face of censure - correct what can be done, and learn from it, with dignity.

i can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel! :D  almost almost almost! ahhh the itchy feeling of ALMOST being there. 4 papers down, 1 more to go. monday -  I WILL BE CLEARED OF ALL CHARGES, removed of all burdens, restored as a normal functioning human being without a sick love affair with the library, installed with a new dose (hopefully a long lasting one!) of PURE UNADULTERATED GLEE, as i slip into a pair of ultra short shorts (um hi mom, if not now, then when?), put on that oh-so-pretentious pair of shades, and move towards the nearest topshop (ok and more...), unreservedly, soaking up this summer heat.

right now i prefer not to think about how i've done, which tend to stir up acute feelings of regret and stupidity in my small small fragile heart. also, i haven't got any reserve for the last paper: if there's just this little dribble of motivation left, i'd wringgggg my towel dry - but i'm already dry :( my heart (okay okay i know it's brain, but sometimes i can't be all that medically accurate) has already fluttered out of the window hehe. soon it will be time to evacuate some of those ridiculous facts (oh phaechromocytoma, i really don't like you that much?), and replace it with some friends, some love, some appreciation of life. studying for exams has certainly put an ugly dent on my social life. (and i know fully well that this will be a cyclical occurence; perhaps it's hardly surprising that medics often 'inbreed"?!) 

so i'll be off to dimsumland! and gamblingland! and counterfeitgoodsland! hello stranger. hello lover. it's been way too long!!! (my abs > urs hehehe)

oh and thereafter to HARVARDLAND! (as a dodgy faker, obv.)

it's actually rather disturbing, that i never had that fevour for london? perhaps it's just the inevitable neglect of the things closest to you? or is it the fact that this city is too surgically attached to the task of study, to the "IT'S BIZNAZZ DON'T TALK TO ME AND WASTE MY TIME" attitude, to the solemn gravity of painting a (decent) picture for my future? i don't know, and probably have no neurones to spare now for the analysis of such questions.

that being said, i've been giving quite a lot of thought to the 'meaning of life' as of late. as an atheist. will do a post on that when my mind is more ready for philosophizing, next week, in due time.

oh, and i'm genuinely puzzled at what on earth drove me to set up a twitter account. and actually updating it like it matters. hmm.



i want this.



and this,

 

and one of these, for starters.

fridays after fridays. for the past 2 months of so, none of those brought about that indulgent feeling of TGIF. right now i'm waddling through the 2nd last friday till i wake up to complete carefree sunshine. this is not a complaint: i don't wish to victimise myself against exams, which i have learnt to accept now as inevitable and probably, necessary. (i actually feel quite empowered by the amount of knowledge residing in my brain now, and will miss them sorely as they fade away with a 'pop' in 10 days' time - i'm perverse like that!)

well, it's just a little longing. there are branches outside the library windows, wearing an inviting shade of summer green (my ex-favourite colour no less!), waltzing in the wind's caress. i could be out there, immersing myself in the scent of spring, although london's spring has so far, been nothing like the fuzzy warmness i have so looked forward to.

but i'm willing to wait. life is but a long long wait anyway. waiting for your nightmares to go away, for your dreams to come true, for your lover to take your hand, and say i do.

till the end. many more exams to brave through, many more springs to knock on my door, many more many more...till the end, when i have grown tired of this world, with fondness, with lingering memories that i would at last be willing to extinguish as i step off the stage, without bowing.

back from the library, sprawled on the bed, jazz (yes, the ones that you blew my way) playing on the imac, taking in your handwriting hungrily, reliving those priceless moments with you.

thank god it's almost friday. 23 days till i next breathe you in.